Breaking News: "Empowering the Next Generation"

In a shocking and unexpected move, the Obama Administration has called on Congress to quickly pass an addendum to the recent stimulus legislation. Called 'Empowering the Next Generation', the bill would immediately grant the right of free and universal Internet access to all US citizens. In addition, in a final push to end the digital divide, the federal government would be supplying every student in need across the country with a laptop and would be creating local neighborhood digital knowledge and repair centers both to educate citizens about the use of technology and to train a new generation of digital natives.

There has been an immediate backlash to the proposal, says a senior congressional aide: "We can't just give away laptops. People will just sell those things. Well, they might keep them, but they'll just play games on them. Or go on Facebook." After pausing to check a Tweet on his iPhone, the aide continued: "I mean, this is completely ludicrous."

White House officials have called such sentiments "whiny and totally 20th century".

Other members of Congress are applauding the initiative. And emboldened by the plan, progressives in the body have moved to strike down all standardized testing related to No Child Left Behind (the long-controversial education law otherwise known as "Just Fill in the Bubble, Jenny"). Says a senior member: "We see a future devoid of Scantrons. Sure, we'll have a lot of test booklets left over, but we figure the students in the art wings of America's schools can figure out something creative to do with all that paper."

Representatives from the Scantron industry could not immediately comment. They were busy filling their last names and addresses into a bubble sheet.

The full story can be found in today's edition of Education Watcher News